We sat in the dimly lit coffee shop after our dinner and drinks, warm from conversation and time well spent. I was falling in love with him again. I thought of the words I'd spoken right after our meal as we sat at the bar and ordered a couple of drinks, two adults on a date. Something we'd not been able to claim in far too long. I'd explained to him what I felt God had said to me not too long ago.
Be who he needs you to be right now.
Ever since we came to Korea and settled into this new temporary normal, I've struggled with finding my place. There have been opportunities and doors have been opened, but nothing has quite stuck. I've experienced emotions you might label as sad or numb, but in reality it's that I lacked a purpose. I didn't know what mine was. As a very goal oriented person, that fact was becoming detrimental to my mental and emotional health.
One day not too long ago, in no particularly dramatic fashion, I understood why God had put me in this place. I felt convicted as I stood there alone in my apartment. And it was so very obvious. Ridiculously obvious. Isn't that always how it ends up being?
I am in Korea right now because my husband is in Korea. He doesn't have a choice, but I do. And I chose him. I'll admit, for weeks I had been selfishly wallowing in my own pity and despair. I could not do what I love. My beloved business was slow if not non existent. My clientele was not in Korea. I had made sacrifices for something that neither of us wanted to begin with. I was a photographer, an entrepreneur, and an artist. And I felt weighed down and held back by our current situation.
I had forgotten what was most important.
One thing remained true and will always remain true. I am Ethan's wife. It is one of the most important promises that I vowed to keep forever. I remember on our wedding day and the days before and after, I was giddy with the thought of being a wife and loving my husband in every way. I couldn't imagine a happier life. Four years later, the luster of new marriage has faded, but that doesn't mean we have to lose our spark.
Being what he needs, in this crappy situation far from home and family, without some of the luxuries of modern convenience, is my job right now. I am reminded that it is temporary. I am also reminded of the amazing support we have received from our family and friends back home.
This too shall pass.
Being a loving wife is not physically or mentally taxing. I don't have to don heavy chem gear and body armor when I go in to work 12-14 hour shifts plus weekends. I don't need to study for a pressing exam that could significantly effect mine and my family's future while working full time. I don't have to ride my bike to and from work in freezing temperatures or 100% humidity with a heavy backpack and combat boots. My job is far easier. The pressure I am under is simply to be the best wife, soulmate, companion, and friend that he needs me to be in order for him to be successful. It is a calling that God has given to me. That is my purpose in Korea. I hadn't done that and was determined to change my perspective.
With our conversation from dinner at the forefront of my thoughts, we sat comfortably in the coffee shop, warm drinks in hand. I let my gaze wander over his face, a face that I know better than the back of my hand, as he told me about his work life, aspirations, and hopes for our future. I started to let myself fall in love with him again. I believe that's something in any marriage, that we should make an effort at and allow ourselves to do. Too often we are caught up in our own future and our own lives, when in reality, when you say I do, it becomes our life, our future, one.
Marriage is not easy and I am not an expert. But I have learned this: It is worth it. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Please pray that we can draw closer through the struggles that this adventure is often too apt to bring. It's not easy but we're doing our best.
I'm glad you could be here.
